Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

 


The world outside is
Big and marred,
And the yappy dogs in the
Neighbor’s yard
Would rather run or even fly:
Cross my heart, and hope to die.

The ride downtown is
Fast and loud,
And the drugs that put me
On this cloud
Make me sick and make me cry:
Cross my heart, and hope to die.

The sun is shining
Through the trees,
And sad housewives beg,
“Honey, please,
I’m not good enough, but next time I’ll try.
Cross my heart, and hope to die.”

I don’t know what
You were told,
But redemption songs are
Growing old.
And I always was a girl that lied:
Cross my heart, and hope to die
:iconcountonkarma66:

Author's Comments

bleh

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:icononyxdemoness:
I really liked the whole concept of this! My only nitpick is with the last two lines; the rhyme feels a little fudged. I get that it's hard to try and fit the rhythm and exact rhyme in, but maybe you could rephrase it a little - "I was always taught to lie" or something?

Anyway, that's my two cents, stuck in where they don't belong like always. (I saw the dev on the main page and had to read.)

--
Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist. Keep loving, keep fighting.
:iconcountonkarma66:
Haha, well I'm glad you liked the majority of it. Yeah, it's not exactly fluent. I may clean it up a little later, but it's my bedtime now so it'll have to wait until tomorrow :P.

Don't worry about it. I'm always open to constructive criticism from anybody who happens to see my stuff, be it in passing or purposely. ^.^ Thank you for the input!
:iconvalentine-lost:
I really like this =) I agree somewhat with the previous comment, but it sounds perfectly fine the way it is. I think it stands out because it's the only spot where it doesn't rhyme exactly. The rest of them are straight-forward.

Were you inspired at all by that poem we read in English?
:iconcountonkarma66:
Whee ^.^
I'm glad you like it, my sweet :-D.

Um... Do I read any of the poems we read in English? *repeatedly photocopies face*
:-P Nah, it just kinda came out. I just had stuff to say. But I'm glad it came out well for word vomit, hahah
:iconvalentine-lost:
Gotcha. I didn't know. One of them talks about the small dog in the neighbor's yard, that was why I thought you might have been.

Ah love oo.
:iconcountonkarma66:
Haha, oh, right. I forgot about that. That actually came from the fact that the people who's back yard is up against our neighbor's yard just bought four pain in the ass yorkshire terriers :-P

Ah love oo 2!

Details

February 10
834 bytes

Statistics

6
1 [who?]
24 (0 today)
0 (0 today)

Site Map