Show me a love like an ocean,
One that swallows me whole.
I wanna see you in motion,
I wanna drown in your soul.
I wanna be the one that holds you
When you sleep all day
You know that I’m the one who’ll miss you
When you go away

The leaves are changing now,
But the sun’s still in your skies.
You sit and smile while
The rain falls from my eyes.
You say, “Don’t cry, don’t cry,
I’ll still be here tonight. Don’t cry.”

Show me a love like an ocean,
One that swallows me whole.
I wanna see you in motion,
I wanna drown in your soul.
I wanna be the one that smiles at you
When you’re awake
You know that I’m the one who’ll love you
Just for loving’s sake.

You are my great escape,
How could I ask for more?
I think of all the times when
You picked me up off the floor
And said, “You’re mine, you’re mine,
I’ll stay with you tonight. You’re mine.”

Show me a love like an ocean,
One that swallows me whole.
I wanna see you in motion,
I wanna drown in your soul.
I wanna be the one that takes away
Your every fear
You know that I’m the one you’ll turn to
‘Cause I’m always here
Show me a love like an ocean,
One that swallows me whole.
I wanna see you in motion,
I wanna drown in your soul.

From an old email forward my mom sent me.

----- Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top of the tree think that something is wrong with them, but in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one that is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of
the tree.

Now Men -- Men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

Sadie White Coat,
You carry me home
And bury this bone,
And take this pine cone.
Bury this bone
To gnaw on it later, gnawing on the telephone,
And 'till then, we pray and suspend
The notion that these lives do never end.

And all day long we talk about mercy;
Lead me to water Lord, I sure am thirsty.
Down in the ditch where I nearly served you,
Up in the clouds where he almost heard you.

And all that we built,
And all that we breathed,
And all that we spilled,
Or pulled up like weeds,
Is piled up in back,
And it burns irrevocably.
And we spoke up in turns
'Till the silence crept over me.

And bless you,
And I deeply do,
No longer resolute,
Oh, and I call to you.
But the water go so cold,
And you do lose
What you don't hold.

This is an old song,
These are old blues,
And this is not my tune
But it's mine to use.
And the seabirds
Where the fear once grew,
Will flock with a fury
And they will bury
What'd come for you.

And down where I darn with the milk-eyed mender,
You and I, and a love so tender,
Stretched-on the hoop where I stitch this addage
"Bless our house and its heart so savage."

And all that I want,
And all that I need,
And all that I got
Is scattered like seed.
And all that I knew
Is moving away from me.

And all that I know
Is blowing like tumbleweed.

And the mealy worms
In the brine will burn,
In a salty pyre
Among the fauns and ferns.

And the love we hold,
And the love we spurn
Will never grow cold,
Oh, only taciturn.

And I'll tell you tomorrow,
Oh Sadie, go on home now,
And bless those who've sickened below,
And bless us who have chosen so.

And all that I got,
And all that I need,
I tie in a knot,
And I lay at your feet.
And I have not forgot,
But a silence crept over me.

So dig up your bone,
Exhume your pine cone, Sadie.

I am tired of looking like this.
I'm ready for a change, and I'm tired of failing every time I try to start over. I'm so bored with myself, it's not even funny. I can't wear the old clothes I used to love because I'm too big for them, so I wear the same goddamn stuff every day. I don't want to go out and buy new clothes, because I always think to myself, "Well it'll be a waste to buy bigger clothes; when I start dieting again I'll get back into the old stuff." Which is fine, except... then I go eat a candy bar, or get a second helping of whatever I'm eating, or choose something calor-ific over something that's actually good for me. I like to think that it's my last hurrah, the last bit of junk I'll put in my body before I start over on thus and such date. But then the next day is my last day... and the next day, and the next day... You get the point, I'm unmotivated as hell.
I think I'm pretty. I have a nice face, I like a lot about it. But I'm unhappy with my body, first and foremost, and then even my face is just... round. I look at old pictures of myself where my face is more defined, sharper but still sweet. And now it's just... Bluh. The outline blurs the features. I can't even do something nice with my hair because if I stray too far from the hairstyle trend I've been working with, I get pancake face and feel ridiculous.
So... I dont know. Something has to change, I can't keep procrastinating. I have to do this, and mean it, instead of starting and then regressing. I have to get my money in order this weekend, because right now I have $0. When I go out with Steve this weekend and I actually get cash though, I'm buying a huge-ass refillable water bottle to haul around with me, because I think that's an important first step. I'm also going to buy some clothes, because I'm going to need something warm to wear-- next item on my small steps list is to take daily walks, even if that means waking up every morning at 6am for an hour long walk around the neighborhood (unfortunately, this means I'll actually have to start going to bed at a mildly reasonable hour).

What I'm going to have to do, is get a rough estimate for the amount of calories I'm putting in my body on a daily basis, and cut it back, in addition to the walking, which should improve my stamina enough that I'll actually get something out of going to the gym-- I'm not adding that in now because frankly, I'll be too tired and lose motivation to go. So... that'll come later, depending on just how much the walking and dieting helps me.

So. You know. It's either turn the hell around, or keep tottling along the fat-path and die before the rest of you and any children I may have because my chubby little heart gives out in 30 years. NBD.

Current Plan, to start 10/25/09
-Drink 3-4 Liters of Water per Day (yes, it sounds extreme, but that was one thing that helped Charlie stop being a fatty-fat pants so why the hell not?)
-Consistant, daily hour-long walks
-Calculate Current Calorie intake, calculate how many calories I'll be burning with my activity level, and cut intake accordingly so that I'm using more than I take in.
-Start a record book of calorie intake and expense, to make sure I'm staying on track
-Sugary Sweets on Fridays only, and they must be appropriate in relation to the calorie restrictions I'll be measuring out this weekend.
-Appropriate amounts of fruit, if I absolutely must have something sweet and it's not Friday.
-No food of any kind after 7:00pm. Water only after 7.
-Journal update every Sunday as a notice to the general public, peppered with updates any time something exciting happens in relation to my plan. Maybe if I get you fine folks involved in my routine, it'll give me something to look forward to. Blah blah, you'll love me all the same and all that friendly bullshit, but in the past doing it for me alone hasn't been enough, so... now I'm doing it for me, and to impress y'all. Because for all my LOLlage buddies, how fun will it be to not see me for a couple months, then we get together and I'm all WHAM! Mildly less chubby! And then one day you look up and hey! I'm in the normal weight range for someone my gender, height and age! Wheeeee!

Small Steps. They'll get bigger when I'm steadier on my feet. I've always tried to do a complete overhaul, and never been able to handle such a drastic change, so we'll take it easy this time.
The average of what several sites are telling me my ideal weight is is about 130lbs, so we'll make that my starting goal. I've tried the no scale thing, and that was a giant fail. So I'm going to get my hands on a scale that isn't broken, and weigh myself every day after my walk to find out my weigh loss rates so I can tweak my plan as needed. I'll stop before 130 if I feel like I really look the way I want to, but I just need something legitimate to shoot for, or this is never going to work.

Emmy, I thought I heard you were going to Planet Fitness for a while. If you still are, then maybe in a couple of weeks when I've started to get a rhythm going, I'll join you? I want to add in real exercise, but if I try to do it alone it's going to be an epic fail. If you're not and don't feel like going, that's fine, I just thought I had seen somewhere that you were going.
Anybody else in the area who feels like joining me when I add in gym time is more than welcome to do so; I'll keep you updated so that anyone who is interested knows when I actually decide to start going.
And anyone who's successfully lost considerable amounts of weight and has any cost-efficient suggestions (I'm a poor, not-so-starving college student, mind you) is SOOOOO incredibly welcome to send them my way. If it helps, it's going in the routine.

Peace, bitches. See you when I'm a skinny bimbo.

The Mississippi Delta was shining
Like a National guitar;
I am following the river
Down the highway,
Through the cradle of the Civil War.

I'm going to Graceland, Graceland,
In Memphis Tennessee.
I'm going to Graceland.
Poor boys and Pilgrims with families,
And we are going to Graceland.
My traveling companion is nine years old:
He is the child of my first marriage,
But I've reason to believe
We both will be received
In Graceland.

She comes back to tell me she's gone.
As if I didn't know that,
As if I didn't know my own bed,
As if I'd never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead.
And she said, "Losing love
Is like a window in your heart.
Everybody sees you're blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow."

I'm going to Graceland,
Memphis Tennessee.
I'm going to Graceland,
Poorboys and Pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland,

And my traveling companions
Are ghosts and empty sockets.
I'm looking at ghosts and empties,
But I've reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland.

There is a girl in New York City,
Who calls herself the human trampoline.
And sometimes when I'm falling, flying,
Or tumbling in turmoil, I say,
"Whoa so this is what she means."
She means we're bouncing into Graceland.
And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart.
Everybody sees you're blown apart,
Everybody feels the wind blow,

In Graceland, Graceland.
I'm going to Graceland.
For reasons I cannot explain,
There's some part of me wants to see
Graceland.
And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending,
Or maybe there's no obligations now.
Maybe I've a reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland.

Woah in Graceland, Graceland, Graceland.
I'm going to Graceland.